Why?
by Llil
Summary: Ciel tends to write his thoughts down. After all, what better is there to do after you've lived a couple of decades in pure pain? Ciel lets Sebastian go. He lets him go. (Self Harm, sorta yaoi, other stuff... M rated for later chappies.)


This is a new one XD. It's got a bit of… stuff. Sorry It's kinda lacking here or there…

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_I thought you loved me. I thought you said you would follow me to the ends of the earth. I thought you couldn't lie. Why don't you believe me? I said it was an accident didn't I? I was caught in a web, a spider's web. The white-silver strands were just too enticing It was all too inviting. It looked so warm and comfortable. I just wanted to touch it. _

_Sebastian, why do you look at me like that? Why do I see such sadness and so much anger in those beautiful red orbs of yours? Don't make them look ugly with those useless looks. Please? I want you to look handsome like you always do. Please? Please smile for me. I want to see that intimidating smirk that always gets my temper high. I want to see that all-knowing look you give me. Please?_

_Don't hurt me like this. You know I love you. I know you love me. You said it yourself. After all, you can't lie to me can you? If they were just words to you, Sebastian, they weren't just words to me. I meant what I said. I do truly love you. Why don't you look at me like you used to? Why don't you talk to me with that deliciously smug voice anymore? Please? _

_If I beg you, will you do it for me? I don't want to see that look. You look so lonely. It wasn't my fault. She did it herself. Please Sebastian, look at me. Hold me. I'm so cold and empty. Please, lie down with me. If you don't, I feel like I will soon die of depression. _

_Do you see the same silver tears streaming down my face too? I can see it like its right on my face. Oh wait. It is. Sebastian, please, you see me don't you? Don't give me that empty look. Look at me. Look. Please. Please. I love you. I love you. I love… _

"Sebastian, look at me."

The raven haired demon gave his usual empty stare as he looked straight at his master.

"I am, Young Master. I don't understand what you mean to say." His voice monotonous like it was a broken record.

"No, Sebastian, _look_ at me. Who am I?" I cried helplessly, tears begging to fall.

"I am looking at you, Master. I see you, Ciel Phantomhive." I sniffed and lifted my gaze from him to look at the ceiling. It's been a while. I suck in my moist lips and look back at my writing. I don't understand why I write stuff like this. It's absolutely useless.

"No. That's not what I want to hear. Look at me until you see me." I want him to know I'm serious. I'm breaking, Sebastian, can't you see?

We both just stared at each other for three minutes before he looked away. My eyes must have flashed the deadly purple they do when I'm mad. I'm guessing he sees what I want him to see.

"What did you see? Tell me." Now those tears that threatened to fall are back and stinging my eyes. Demons can't feel emotions, yet I feel as if a sharp blade is being slowly pushed into my chest.

It's silent for minutes before he finally looks back up at me. His eyes are finally filled with something. I've seen this before. It looks like regret. Like betrayal. Was he hurting as much as I was? Did his chest feel like it was being ripped from the inside out?

"I see you. I see everything I ever wanted. I see what I lost and what I could have had. I can still see your soul, tempting me, knowing I can never have it." I smiled. He could see something. It might not be the accurate answer he usually gives me but its close.

I wait till he is looking me in my two different eyes before I ask him, "Do you trust me?"

He looks back down onto the wooden floors and nods. "I asked you if you trust me."

"I trust you, Young Master." I smile. This isn't a game. It's reality. I need to remember that. Oh, how I just want to reach out a caress that beautiful face of yours. That wonderful face that still glows reminds me everyday of the pain I have inflicted upon you.

"Sebastian, this is an order, leave me." I finally feel accomplished once the last words left my lips. My lips which you once feasted upon, you loved them. My eyes, the ones you loved looking into, they clouded with tears as you kneeled down and replied with a final, "Yes, My Lord."

Almost immediately I feel empty again. Why? I smile again. I smile all my pain away. I must look like a fool. I'm just sitting here in my old chair, still much too big for me, while looking up into nothing, while smiling like I just won the lottery. I feel alone again. Why? I wanted you to be happy didn't I? Then why do I feel so empty? I want to tell you how much it hurts, Sebastian, can you still hear me? Will you still remember me? Or will you forget now that you have freedom? Will you come back to visit?

What a fool I have made of myself. I want him but I cannot have him. I love him but he no longer loves me. I need him but he will never need me. I fell hard for a demon. A demon that would never love me back, though you said you loved me, you never said it after that one time. Love is a sickness. I have caught it.

"Goodbye Sebastian"

**I love you.**

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I'm crying. I'm just coming up with random things to say. I'm winging it! Just like Ciel did in the manga when that creepy black mamba snake thingie ma bob? Yeah… I couldn't use the restroom alone after that. I was soooo creeped out. Man, Yana sure is good at horror.

Black Butler does not belong to me. Sadly.

If I get enough reviews, I might write a second chappy. So R&R please. I love to hear your "feedback". I don't know why but whenever I hear that word I just think of getting someone's puke….idk…. Buh byeeee!


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